A guy walks into a bar...

Time for some jokes. This post is mostly for advanced students but still... most of them are old and hackneyed but they are great as puzzles. Try to understand the meanings of all of them. And you still may ask me.

(Время шуток. Этот пост в основном для продвинутых студентов, но все же... большинство из них стары и избиты, но они - отличные загадки. Постарайтесь понять значения всех. И вы все еще можете спросить меня.)



A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"


Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."


A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."! (My favourite one. Did you get the idea?)


A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"


A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.

A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.

In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.

"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.


A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."


Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"


A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".


A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."


So a guy walks into a bar, looking really moody and orders immediately a double-whiskey. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says: "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife."


A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.


Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."


A hamburger and a french fry walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here.


In a bar in a remote Alaskan town, a newcomer hears people yell out numbers (#23!, #56, etc.) and then everyone laughs. He asks the guy next to him what's going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times, people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them. So he yells out #27! but nobody laughs. The guy next to him says, "Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."


A guy walks into a bar. There's nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. The man says, "I'm buying that woman a drink." The bartender says, "You don't want to do that. She's a lesbian." The man says, "I don't care, give the drink." After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor. The man strolls over to her. He says, "Hi. I'm Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?"


Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."


A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?" "No", the guys says, "I can't believe that the ferret sold the place."


An Irishman walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have three rounds, all at once." So the bartender gets his order but says to the man "Sir, you'd enjoy them better sir if I served them to you one at a time." The Irishman replies "No, its a tradition. Back in Dublin, my brothers and I would all go to the pub and have a round together. I moved over here a few years ago but I still keep the tradition." Touched by the story, the bartender served the rounds, and went about his business. The Irishman returned for several nights. One night, the Irishman comes in and only orders two rounds. The bartender shaken, asks "what happened? Did one of your brothers die? "The Irishman laughed and replied, "No, I quit drinking!"


A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer, and another, and another, etc., until finally the bartender asked him to leave. He walks out the side door, and a few seconds later, he walks in the front door, sits down, orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave. He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave. This happens about eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims," How many bars do you work in, man?!?!?!?!


Two guys are walking their dogs, a black lab and a Chihuahua. Passing a bar, the "lab" walker says, "Let's get a beer." The other: "We can't take our dogs in there." The first: "Watch." In he goes and orders a beer. "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog." "Oh. Sorry. Here's your beer." The other guy follows, orders a beer. Same response: No dogs allowed. "He's my seeing eye dog." "Yeah, right. A Chihuahua? Give me a break." "They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!"


An amnesiac walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you today?" The amnesiac says, "I don't know, I have trouble remembering things." The bartender says, "Like what?"


A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "how's it going?"

Okay, I guess. Holding my own.

"That's good." replied the bartender. "You'd get arrested if you held someone else's."


Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?"

"Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!" (Really like this one...)


So Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."


A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.


A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn't see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

"Hey mister! Sweet shoes!"

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.

"Hey mister! Cool shirt!"

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

"Hey barkeep," he begins, "what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?"

"Oh, those are the peanuts," he replies. "They're complimentary."


This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, he gets a free beer? The bartender says alright. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar said, "That's amazing, I'll give you $1,000 for the frogs." The man agreed the guy took off. The bartender said to him, "You could have gotten more for the frogs." The man said, "Frogs are easy to come by, the hamster's a ventriloquist."


Guy walks into a bar and pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. Then he pulls out a little guy who site down and begins to play. "Where'd ya get that?" bartender asks. "I have a magic bottle; you rub it and get a wish," customer replies. Customer agrees to let bartender try it, and pulls a grungy old whiskey bottle from his pocket. Bartender rubs it, and the room fills up with ducks, flying everywhere. "I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," says bartender. "So, did you think I wished for a ten-inch pianist?" responds customer


Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"


An Irishman walks by a bar...it could happen


Ole goes to a bar to meet his friend, Sven. He spies Sven sittin' at da bar, with a dog underneath his chair. Ole says, "Hey, Sven, does your dog bite?" "No, Ole," says Sven, "he don't. "Well, kin I pet da dog?" "Sure, says Sven."Ole reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites him on the hand! "Hey," says Ole, "why'd yer dog bite me?!" "Oh," says Ole, "that ain't my dog."


A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?"

The seal responded, "I'll have anything as long it is not a Canadian club."


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.

'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'


Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"


"Then you're a queer... "


Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." (That one's nice...)


A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."

@темы: Advanced, Шутки

2014-12-24 в 12:52 

Прекрасные про панду и арахис! Спасибо :)

2014-12-25 в 09:10 

Watch_the_Sunset, рада, что вам понравилось) про панду, кстати, анекдот лег в название очень хорошей книги по пунктуации "Eats, shoots and leaves".


Дневник Julissa